Paul Schiernecker

Category: Other

  • Free January

    I have an odd relationship with social media. It’s sort of like eating fast food. You know there’s absolutely nothing beneficial in it but for a little while it’s fulfilling. It gives you something to do with your hands. It’s something to look at. It’s usually pretty bright and shiny and will get something spilt on your trousers. In the end it will kill you and everyone you love. Alright, I didn’t completely think that comparison through. The important thing is that in January 2016 I decided to cut myself off in the name of my sanity.

    For over a decade I’ve been addicted to social media. I was on Bebo and then I was on Faceparty. I was on MySpace and then I was on Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr, Pinterest and Instagram. Not a day goes by when I don’t write something pithy and mildly irritating to the masses (approx 700 friends on Facebook, 500 followers on Twitter, 400 followers on Instagram, 250 followers on Tumblr). It’s not a massive amount, I’m not Katanga Jenner (my knowledge of pop culture “icons” is slipping as I approach 30 and this might not even be the vacuous person I intend it to be). I sometimes feel like I owe them something, that if they don’t know what I’m eating then they’re going to struggle to sleep at night. “Sure I have a roof over my head, a wardrobe full of clothes I don’t wear and a fiancé who wants me dead but what does Paul Schiernecker think about the Cuban Missile Crisis?” I hear them crying out as they toss and turn on their pillows. It was this narcissistic tendency that made me decide I should probably give the whole thing a rest. It’s effing dangerous and it’s toxic. It was either give up social media or give up caffeine and you know how I get without my morning coffee enema.
    I’m not saying it’s impossible to have a healthy relationship with social media and I’m not saying it doesn’t offer a great deal of prospects and opportunity to do good, it’s just that it was quite nice to take a break from it.

    The first thing I had to get over was “the twitch” – the desire to reach for my phone like the heroes and villains of the old west would reach for their pistols. Any time I’m on my own, vulnerable or anxious, which to be fair is a fairly constant state of play in my life, I reach for my phone and busy myself in the world of Minion-based mum gags and photos of meal preps and protein shakes. Again, I’m not gym-shaming although I am possibly Minion-shaming. They’re about as funny as finding a lump while scrubbing the key areas in the shower. I found myself still reaching for my phone despite the fact I wasn’t about to shoot down anyone in the town of Red Rock and knowing I had deleted all social media applications from my phone on the evening of January 1st. To combat this, I took a tip from one of my favourite blogs, The Minimalists, and replaced the Facebook app with the Kindle app. I already have an account with Amazon and a Kindle but the app gives access to all the books you have in “the cloud” – that mysterious land above our heads which is slightly better than heaven because someone stole celebrity nudes from it. I also started utilising the podcasts app and am now addicted to The Nerdist, The Minimalists, Stuff You Should Know, Infinite Monkey Cage, Serial and Desert Island Discs. I’ve finally started reading War & Peace properly (currently at 12%) and I’m learning a lot more about the world around me.

    I have however found a new addiction. I’ve started eBaying. I love the thrill of the countdown, the way the digits tick over, the fact that it doesn’t feel like real money for real things until they turn up and smell like other people. I’ve realised I’m going to have to have a clear out of my wardrobe in favour of all my fancy used things from other people. I’ve got far too many jumpers (when I’ve realised I don’t really wear them) and have so many coats that I could warm a netball team (I initially said football team but doubt I could stretch to eleven unless some of them were very small and could fit in a pocket).

    I’ve been able to spend time with the people who matter to me and actually make it count. It doesn’t matter if it’s digging out dinosaur fossils with my girlfriend in the lounge, dancing to The Beatles with my godsons or running around an abandoned shopping centre from a horde of East 15 zombies, I’ve taken a lot of stuff on this month and won at it. There’s something about me that wonders if I will ever return to social media again. I know I’ve missed out on a couple of social occasions as a result of not being on Facebook and if I don’t make some kind of contact I could soon miss my own birthday but I feel like I’m actually connecting with people and enjoying things a lot more and without the desire to prove something to the outside world. I’ve had a number of conversations with a close friend about the nature of our social media selves – the version we promote – and that’s just as toxic. The second it takes to smile for a picture is bookended by the absolute sorrow that is life in the twenty-first century. Is anyone actually happy anymore? Does that happen for anyone? Answers on a postcard of your favourite Beatnik writer please.

    This month I managed to finish a manuscript about depression, plan my next book, start the Insanity workout, help film a promo video, learn to make Huevos Rancheros, read seven books, get addicted to eBay, complete GTA V, run further than ever, remain reasonably sober, book a holiday and enjoy everything presented to me. I’m not saying my life is perfect and I don’t know how much of this is just the positive outlook I try to bring to the first month of the year but the fact remains, this month, without social media, has been a holiday.

  • AFK: The Grand Canyon Trek video

  • Good Morning Arizona. 

    It’s five am and I can’t sleep. It turns out I’m not immune to jet lag in the way I’m apparently not immune to death. Yesterday we walked the rim (yes, that’s hilarious). 
    It is so beautiful out there. It’s like someone fired a shotgun into the Earth and just let the raw wound of twisted rock sit and scab. As far as the eye could see only accounted for 10% of what the total of the Canyon is. Grand Canyon National Park itself is 1.2 million acres. The parks here are as big as the portions and GC has been super sized (*makes a note of that for the book and congratulates oneself*). Everyone here is so friendly it puts me on edge. They all want to know how I’m doing and they won’t settle for anything less than “swell!” as a response. We went for dinner in the most American “family restaurant buffet” going. There was an old man in the corner doing bad covers of Creedence Clearwater Revival songs and the man on the table next to us was wearing a masked intruder t-shirt and kept disappearing, leaving his young family to fend for themselves. The waitress tottered about remembering everything off the top of her head. I refused to eat food I hadn’t heard mentioned in the Hollywood movies of my childhood so got a plate of brisket, shrimp, corn dogs, mac n cheese and ice tea for dinner. 
    I’m tired but I can’t sleep. 
    I’m hungry but even the bread tastes like diabetes. 
    I’ve seen enough tarantulas but not enough hiking. 
    Today, as Jamiriquai famously said, we are going deeper underground. 

      

  • Grand Canyon Trek: Day 1.

    We depart from London Gatwick on a flight to Las Vegas. I’ve been instructed as usual not to pack my hiking boots but to wear them to the airport and on the flight. If your bag goes missing then you can replace anything except your hiking boots.

    We transfer from LV airport to the Grand Canyon National Park. We have already been instructed to get an early night.

  • Hiking Vines.

  • You’re My Waterloo.

  • Tips for freshers.

    It hurts to admit but it has been ten years since I was a fresher. I am therefore best placed to give you advice on what to do with the rest of your week/life. There’s something that bothered me about being a fresher. It wasn’t so much that I feared being swirlied (I still fear this, I live in constant fear of this), it was more that it sounds like you’re already the victim of something. That aside, here’s my top tips for making it through and coming out the other side as a reasonable human being.

    1. Don’t take up smoking to be cool or bohemian.

    More than anything this is a cost saving thing. I’m not against smoking although it will cause you any number of problems including death if used for a prolonged period. Cigarettes are really expensive. Even buying tobacco and papers is now out of your price range. If you need to do something with your hands then buy a Rubik’s cube or take up knitting.

    2. It’s okay to sleep with nobody and it’s also okay to sleep with everybody.

    As long as everyone involved is consenting to it and you’ve detailed your hard limits then go for it. If you want to sit in eating microwave pizza and binge-watching Lost cringing at the thought of contact with another human being then go for it.

    3. Don’t even think about the debt.

    Unfortunately we are stuck with a government who think education should be for the privileged and your fees are going nowhere my friend. Each month for seven years a slice of my monthly wage has been taken away before I even see it. I’m clear of storecard and credit card debt so I don’t think about my student loan. It’s just one of those things. Chances are I’ll be dead before I pay it off so I’ll be laughing at the Student Loan Company from Hell.

    4. Don’t buy a kettle, toaster or microwave.

    Every Diana, Blair and Tinky Winky (I’ve based these names on the big stuff that happened in the year you were born if you’re 18 and therefore of university attending age by my understanding) will have been bought a kettle, toaster and/or microwave by their parents (Lyndon and Caroline (again, I’ve based this on the big stuff that happened in the year your parents were born if they were 30 when they had you)). Check into halls and get a feel for the white goods counter before you head to the Value range at Tesco, the Basics range at Sainsburys or Asda.

    5. Go to lectures.

    Take it from someone who didn’t, it won’t help. It doesn’t matter how hard your hangover hits you at eighteen, it’ll hit you a lot harder at twenty-eight and then you’ll still have to go to work and pretend to do some adulting while sweating out ill-advised jagerbombs while you try to grip a venti something-mocha. Go to lectures and learn. Knowledge is power. She will probably still be there when you get back.

    6. Cultivate new friendships but don’t forget those you had before.

    You are going to meet a lot of amazing people. I see my friends from university as often as I can. Some of them have got married. Some of them have kids. Some have grown up adult jobs. Some of them still think they’re nineteen. They’re all great. What you have to remember is that you’ll also come home to your old friends and you might even move back home after university so don’t burn those bridges. Keep everyone who is good to you and for you close. You need them.

    7. Experiment.

    If there’s a time for regrets it is when you are at university. If there is a time to find out what you’re into it is when you are at university. If there is a time to find out what you’re not into it is when you’re at university. If there is a time to assist in finding yourself, it is when you are at university. Kiss a boy (if you’re a boy, or if you’re a girl, again, consent and everything else in point 1), try and start a band, try pilates or kickboxing or crochet or croquet. I kissed a few boys and a few girls, I kissed the Incredible Hulk, I started a band, I tried pilates. Your experience doesn’t have to be the same. You don’t have to do as much or any of those things but work out what you do fancy. Keep your hard limits.

    8. Be a cheap bastard – except when it comes to two commodities; toilet roll and binbags.

    I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you use cheap toilet rolls and binbags you are going to end up putting your finger through it and covering your hand in shit. Buy cheap fruit and vegetables because they’re still fruit and vegetables and you need that shit. Bulk buy pasta and rice because you need cards. Buy cheap bread because how else are you going to make a black pudding sandwich but trust me on the toilet roll and binbags.

    9. Get student discount in as many places as you can.

    There are websites dedicated to lists of stores and restaurants that give you student discount. Try here, here and here. You will miss that when it is gone. I’ve been fortunate enough to recently start a professional qualification which means I have regained the right to an NUS card and it is fantastic. I’m a discount pimp.

    10. Enjoy it.

    People are very quick to tell you that certain times in your life are the best years of your life. That’s bullshit. It’s what you make of it and how you categorise it. What I thought I wanted ten years ago is different from what I want now, that goes for both my life and a night out. I rarely want a Snakebite anymore for example. What I will say is that it’s the last hurrah for a lot of people before you have to get a job and commit and do all of those terrible things you’re partly putting off just by going to university so try and enjoy it. If you’re anything like me you’ll spend the whole time thinking about what a great anecdote it will make one day instead of enjoying the moment. Enjoy the moment and trust me on the toilet paper and binbags.

     

    Former me:

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  • Schiernecker on Schiernecker

  • Secret Cinema presents The Empire Strikes Back

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    Say what you want about Secret Cinema, and you do, at length, they know how to put on a good show. On Friday I was lucky enough to attend a screening of the down note that is The Empire Strikes Back in a secret location somewhere in our nation’s capital.
    Now, a lot of people have said the ticket price could not possibly reflect the event. They said this before the first screenings had taken place and with the wonderful power of assumption. As Under Siege 2: Dark Territory taught us, assumption is the mother of all fuck ups. While it has to be said, if you are looking to Secret Cinema for a cheap night out then you are searching in Alderaan places, the immersive experience they offer cannot be beaten. There were times when I genuinely forgot I was on Earth. I experience this a lot but had barely been drinking at this point.

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    For nearly a decade there has been one man who is guaranteed to return the correct responses to my quotes and I was lucky enough to have him by my side, in a beige wrap from Topman and a packet of organic seeds. I’m doing my best not to ruin it for anyone who may still be set to go. Cameras are a complete no-no once you are inside and mobile phones are heat-sealed in foil bags to keep tweeting grounded. If you’re a fan of the galaxy far, far away and you want the kind of geeky night out that money can actually buy then it is definitely for you. You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.

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  • Well I guess this is growing up…

    The other week I had to make a Sophie’s Choice level decision. I had tickets to go and see Carl Barat & The Jackals at The Scala but I also had a job interview at ten the next morning. Now I know you’re going to be screaming at the screen like when you watch a scary film and they hear a noise and decide to investigate, but here is why I made the wrong decision and am completely fine with it.

    Now my friend Jocasta Devillenerve (it’s a fun nickname) and I often use our 2007 counterparts as a measurement of how far beyond our lives as students we have come. When we both suggested it wouldn’t be a good idea to go to the gig because “we know how we get” and both had important meetings the following day, the 2007 versions of us were swearing over a gap of eight years at us as we trotted off to bed to get our full eight hours before ironing a shirt, eating a sensible breakfast and delivering a coffee enema whilst squatting in the bath.
    I’m down with the fact I’m getting older and my priorities are changing. There will be other gigs and there will be times that are more appropriate but major cringe coming, I need to think about what I’m doing and where I’m going with my future. Job security has become an actual thing I have to consider, not some half-baked theory concocted by parents to stop their kids going traveling or living some other kind of ambition. Don’t get me wrong. You should go traveling. See the world. Sleep around. Explore. Whatever. But on that day, my efforts were on sorting myself out and ensuring I could be in a better position going forward.
    As it turns out, the whole thing has worked out and I’ve been offered the job. I’m really happy because it is something I’ve been looking to move into at some point and it will be really interesting. It means I get to be around the same supportive group of people who make going to work what it is and at the same time I can still be in an exciting area of London and still have access to all the things I enjoy. I’m keen to do well, I always want to be the best version of me I can and I’m looking forward to proving this to myself in the near future.
    JD is still waiting to hear back on his job.