While I try and work out what having an album out means, here’s the YouTube stream of the album for those of you who are into that sort of thing.
Category: Other
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I’m OK (I promise)
This weekend I had something of a blip in my mental health. I just thought it was worth mentioning as a reminder that this shit doesn’t just go away and is something that I continue to battle like that bowlcut-headed twerp in The NeverEnding Story.
Depression and anxiety are a total bitch. I wish there was any other way around it. I got home on Friday and I felt good about things. I woke up on Saturday and I thought my entire body was going to get sucked into a black hole in my chest. That’s just how it presents itself in me. I can’t speak for anyone else. I sat with that awful feeling all day and although I was able to get on with a project I’ve been working on, I didn’t want to see anyone, I couldn’t leave the house and I found myself breaking down into tears and having to tell my mum that I was struggling.It’s hard for people to get their head around. Nothing has to happen. Nothing necessarily kicks it off but then I get sick and I feel rubbish for a couple of days and then I’m alright again. It’s horrible when you’re in the midst of it.
Fortunately I had a very good friend turn up and sit with me and the sadness on Sunday evening so by Monday at 11am I was actually able to leave the house and get further than a couple of miles from my sofa.
I just wanted this to serve as a reminder to myself as much as anyone else that there are times when it sucks and there are times when everything seems awesome and that life is a constant back and forth between those two with plenty of leeway. It’ll get better again. It might get worse again. Fuck it. Enjoy the ride.
I would like to thank Steph, as well as my mum, my dad, my brothers, Jill, and anyone else who reached out to me when things went dark.
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#8 – Shave my head.
“Don’t start a fresh on your head, start it in your head” said my brother, in a move that was both unusually profound and advice I would ignore. I’ve always been very protective over my hair, my curls. Only yesterday I went for drinks with a friend who hadn’t seen me since the bold move to shave it all off, to lose it all.
“Where are the curls?” she asked immediately, rubbing her hand over my scalp, looking both enthralled and disgusted, like when you pet a naked mole rat. Here is the story of how and why I shaved my head and why it isn’t that big a deal and makes me feel like a superficial little idiot.
This year has had its ups and downs. Every year has its ups and downs. It’s not really possible to blame it on the year or to say that you can’t wait for a given year to be over to start. There are positives that come from a new year but essentially time is an invention of man and you have to make your own decisions and are responsible for your own destiny etc.
I’ve said for a long time that something boldly cathartic I would like to do is shave my head. It felt like a cool thing to do, like when JT left N*Sync and shaved his head or when Zayn Malik left One Direction and shaved his head. I wanted that sort of going it alone after life in a boyband vibe. Didn’t quite achieve it but nevermind.
There’s a lot to be said about siblings. I said to my therapist this week that siblings are able to say exactly the right thing to undermine you in a way that you thought you had grown out of. I feel like a strong confident man who don’t need no thing. My brothers are able to chip that charade away with the expertise of a marble cutter and say just the thing to make me feel like a skinny little twerp once more.
“You’ve got a funny shaped head”.
Oh no. It stings. I want to hide in my bedroom and read about Narnia. Aslan wouldn’t cuss my scalp. He’s got a glorious mane. He’s like a Jesus for the new age.I was in Singapore. It was hot. Unbearable heat and humidity and this flop of new romantic fringe kept getting in my way and I figured the best thing I could possibly do is just shave it off and it could be part of me finding myself while I travelled across Asia with my friend Adam. It seemed like a cool thing to do. It would be bold. It would be shocking. Then again, on a trek through the Grand Canyon last year I went for a dip under a waterfall and when I crawled out with my hair stuck down on top of my head the guide said “you’ve got a head like a peanut”.
I told Adam I was going to shave my head. It seemed like it would be the answer to all of my problems. It helped with some of them, sure, but there’s no such thing as a solution to all my problems. Maybe there is but the Oedipal stuff is pretty deep set.
My friend Luke worked in Geylang as a barber for eighteen months. He lived in the Pinnacle Tower. He told me that while I was there I should visit his old shop and see his buddies and they would sort me out. I decided that would be the time when I would take the plunge and shave my head. We arrived hungover on the Monday and found it was closed. It obviously wasn’t meant to be. I would keep my hair for another day. We got some questionable buffet food and continued to tour around.When we checked into our Air BnB in Malaysia I told Adam the time had come for him to shave my head. He seemed sadistically keen on the idea. I sat on a towel topless and gave him my beard trimmer. He turned it on and ran it through the middle of my head. There was no turning back.
Fifteen minutes later I was bald. Adam told me I looked dangerous. With my tattoos and shaved head there was something of the This Is England look about me, something proved as we pranced across Thailand together and got strange looks.
It had the desired effect. I felt different. I had one less thing to worry about. I’m not going to keep it this short and can’t help but notice how high my hairline now is but fuck it, it’s only hair. It’s aged me a little but at the moment that’s not a bad thing.
The only thing I did realise is that the whole Justin/Zayn thing didn’t happen. What I had done was have a 2007 Britney Spears style breakdown. I went away to find myself. I wasn’t there. I did however get my happy ending.
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5 Tips for Camp NaNoWriMo
Camp NaNoWriMo is run every July and is basically the same as NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month) which goes on in November. Writers from all over the world aim to write 50,000 words in 30 days. I’ve taken part in it for four or five years and won every year.It involves having to give up a lot of your life to get it done. The aim is to write 1,667 words a day which over the course of the month means you have written a whole book. Here are my five tips for a successful Camp NaNoWriMo.
1. If you fail to plan then you will plan to fail
I know it sounds like nonsense business speak because it is used as nonsense business speak. There is a lot of truth in it though. The way I work is to take the 50,000 words and break it up so it doesn’t seem so daunting. If you can divide it into ten then you can think of these as ten chapters of five thousand words. If you can give those chapters a title and a basis then it makes the task an awful lot easier. If you can break it to 20 chapters of 2,500 words then you can deal with approximately a chapter a day to make the word limit. This is the best way of ensuring you do not become overwhelmed by the task at hand.2. Don’t stop
As a writer, whether you are new to it or not there is a tendency to go back, whether that is at the end of a paragraph, the end of a page or the end of a chapter. Just don’t. Don’t stop. Don’t edit. Don’t give yourself room to question what it is that you are writing. Hemingway famously said to write drunk and edit sober. Get pissed on NaNoWriMo.3. Use resources
There is a wealth of information out there. My Google history during these projects looks like the workings of a serial killer. You would be amazed at the things you have to research for a book. I’m currently trying to understand Quantum Physics. In addition, Camp NaNoWriMo itself is really good. You are put into a cabin with others who are taking part. The one I am in already has a really nice community feel to it.
Use friends and cabin mates. Query things. If you get stuck then ask them to throw you a curveball or assist with the process of one of your characters. You don’t always have to take their advice but the option is there to work with.4. Treat yo’self
There is a lot of work involved in doing NaNoWriMo. You need to take breaks. You need incentives. Mine is often caffeine. The idea of finishing for the day and having a beer or something nice to eat, going out with friends or however else you choose to unwind can often help as a driver to get that wordcount down. Make sure that you treat yo’self.5. Back that shit up
I have never lost a project but I have lost other work through not backing up in some way shape or form. A lot of the time I choose to email a copy of whatever I’m working on through to myself so I know I can access it wherever I am and in case anything should happen to Hyacinth (my MacBook). I know people who have got 20,000 words in and lost their work. You’ll never be able to replicate it again. Your head was in a very particular space and it’s very hard to grab that again. Take the time at the end of your day to back that shit up.Thank you very much for reading and if you have any other tips or want to discuss your project then please drop me a message.
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Depression Awareness Week.
Today marks the start of Depression Awareness Week 2016. I’ve written a lot in recent months abut my own struggles with depression and anxiety. I believe it is important to. You tell your friends and family when you’re physically ill so why not when you are mentally as well.
There’s nothing wrong with it. There’s certainly nothing wrong with you. Together we can all work on removing the stigma and ensuring that mental health concerns are appropriately and professionally handled.
It’s not fun and it’s not pretty but it’s so important. I cried myself to sleep last night. I cried in therapy today. Every single day is hard but there are always things worth fighting for and you are the person who can do it.
Please talk to me if you are ever feeling bad. I am here to help. Be strong and stay strong and look after yourself.
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Free January
I have an odd relationship with social media. It’s sort of like eating fast food. You know there’s absolutely nothing beneficial in it but for a little while it’s fulfilling. It gives you something to do with your hands. It’s something to look at. It’s usually pretty bright and shiny and will get something spilt on your trousers. In the end it will kill you and everyone you love. Alright, I didn’t completely think that comparison through. The important thing is that in January 2016 I decided to cut myself off in the name of my sanity.
For over a decade I’ve been addicted to social media. I was on Bebo and then I was on Faceparty. I was on MySpace and then I was on Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr, Pinterest and Instagram. Not a day goes by when I don’t write something pithy and mildly irritating to the masses (approx 700 friends on Facebook, 500 followers on Twitter, 400 followers on Instagram, 250 followers on Tumblr). It’s not a massive amount, I’m not Katanga Jenner (my knowledge of pop culture “icons” is slipping as I approach 30 and this might not even be the vacuous person I intend it to be). I sometimes feel like I owe them something, that if they don’t know what I’m eating then they’re going to struggle to sleep at night. “Sure I have a roof over my head, a wardrobe full of clothes I don’t wear and a fiancé who wants me dead but what does Paul Schiernecker think about the Cuban Missile Crisis?” I hear them crying out as they toss and turn on their pillows. It was this narcissistic tendency that made me decide I should probably give the whole thing a rest. It’s effing dangerous and it’s toxic. It was either give up social media or give up caffeine and you know how I get without my morning coffee enema.
I’m not saying it’s impossible to have a healthy relationship with social media and I’m not saying it doesn’t offer a great deal of prospects and opportunity to do good, it’s just that it was quite nice to take a break from it.The first thing I had to get over was “the twitch” – the desire to reach for my phone like the heroes and villains of the old west would reach for their pistols. Any time I’m on my own, vulnerable or anxious, which to be fair is a fairly constant state of play in my life, I reach for my phone and busy myself in the world of Minion-based mum gags and photos of meal preps and protein shakes. Again, I’m not gym-shaming although I am possibly Minion-shaming. They’re about as funny as finding a lump while scrubbing the key areas in the shower. I found myself still reaching for my phone despite the fact I wasn’t about to shoot down anyone in the town of Red Rock and knowing I had deleted all social media applications from my phone on the evening of January 1st. To combat this, I took a tip from one of my favourite blogs, The Minimalists, and replaced the Facebook app with the Kindle app. I already have an account with Amazon and a Kindle but the app gives access to all the books you have in “the cloud” – that mysterious land above our heads which is slightly better than heaven because someone stole celebrity nudes from it. I also started utilising the podcasts app and am now addicted to The Nerdist, The Minimalists, Stuff You Should Know, Infinite Monkey Cage, Serial and Desert Island Discs. I’ve finally started reading War & Peace properly (currently at 12%) and I’m learning a lot more about the world around me.
I have however found a new addiction. I’ve started eBaying. I love the thrill of the countdown, the way the digits tick over, the fact that it doesn’t feel like real money for real things until they turn up and smell like other people. I’ve realised I’m going to have to have a clear out of my wardrobe in favour of all my fancy used things from other people. I’ve got far too many jumpers (when I’ve realised I don’t really wear them) and have so many coats that I could warm a netball team (I initially said football team but doubt I could stretch to eleven unless some of them were very small and could fit in a pocket).
I’ve been able to spend time with the people who matter to me and actually make it count. It doesn’t matter if it’s digging out dinosaur fossils with my girlfriend in the lounge, dancing to The Beatles with my godsons or running around an abandoned shopping centre from a horde of East 15 zombies, I’ve taken a lot of stuff on this month and won at it. There’s something about me that wonders if I will ever return to social media again. I know I’ve missed out on a couple of social occasions as a result of not being on Facebook and if I don’t make some kind of contact I could soon miss my own birthday but I feel like I’m actually connecting with people and enjoying things a lot more and without the desire to prove something to the outside world. I’ve had a number of conversations with a close friend about the nature of our social media selves – the version we promote – and that’s just as toxic. The second it takes to smile for a picture is bookended by the absolute sorrow that is life in the twenty-first century. Is anyone actually happy anymore? Does that happen for anyone? Answers on a postcard of your favourite Beatnik writer please.
This month I managed to finish a manuscript about depression, plan my next book, start the Insanity workout, help film a promo video, learn to make Huevos Rancheros, read seven books, get addicted to eBay, complete GTA V, run further than ever, remain reasonably sober, book a holiday and enjoy everything presented to me. I’m not saying my life is perfect and I don’t know how much of this is just the positive outlook I try to bring to the first month of the year but the fact remains, this month, without social media, has been a holiday.
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Good Morning Arizona.
It’s five am and I can’t sleep. It turns out I’m not immune to jet lag in the way I’m apparently not immune to death. Yesterday we walked the rim (yes, that’s hilarious).
It is so beautiful out there. It’s like someone fired a shotgun into the Earth and just let the raw wound of twisted rock sit and scab. As far as the eye could see only accounted for 10% of what the total of the Canyon is. Grand Canyon National Park itself is 1.2 million acres. The parks here are as big as the portions and GC has been super sized (*makes a note of that for the book and congratulates oneself*). Everyone here is so friendly it puts me on edge. They all want to know how I’m doing and they won’t settle for anything less than “swell!” as a response. We went for dinner in the most American “family restaurant buffet” going. There was an old man in the corner doing bad covers of Creedence Clearwater Revival songs and the man on the table next to us was wearing a masked intruder t-shirt and kept disappearing, leaving his young family to fend for themselves. The waitress tottered about remembering everything off the top of her head. I refused to eat food I hadn’t heard mentioned in the Hollywood movies of my childhood so got a plate of brisket, shrimp, corn dogs, mac n cheese and ice tea for dinner.
I’m tired but I can’t sleep.
I’m hungry but even the bread tastes like diabetes.
I’ve seen enough tarantulas but not enough hiking.
Today, as Jamiriquai famously said, we are going deeper underground.
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Grand Canyon Trek: Day 1.
We depart from London Gatwick on a flight to Las Vegas. I’ve been instructed as usual not to pack my hiking boots but to wear them to the airport and on the flight. If your bag goes missing then you can replace anything except your hiking boots.
We transfer from LV airport to the Grand Canyon National Park. We have already been instructed to get an early night.
Paul Schiernecker 