Paul Schiernecker

Category: It’s Actually Quite Nice Being Me

  • The Music Jar.

    I can’t claim this idea as my own, as much as I would like to. It originally came from The Larson House and even finding that can be placed at Jazmine’s feet. My Spotify artist of the decade was The Beatles. There’s nothing wrong with that but I know I am missing out on listening to a lot of other artists because I’m stuck in an indie rut where I loop through Arcade Fire, Father John Mistry, Bright Eyes, Arctic Monkeys etc.
    The aim is to select the names of 52 bands or artists I feel I should know more about, place them in a jar and pick out one a week to listen to.
    My list is:
    Temples, Blanhavon, No Doubt, Pearl Jam, Post Malone, Mexrissey, Nouvelle Vague, Van Morrison, Leonard Cohen, Madrugada, Tom Petty, Prince, Thin Lizzy, The Distillers, Fall Out Boy, Lizzo, Alanis Morrisette, Death Cab For Cutie, Joni Mitchell, Sara Bareilles, Kacey Musgraves, David Gray, Elbow, The Lumineers, Black Honey, The Big Moon, Wolf Alice, Anna Calvi, Jessie Ware, Warpaint, Sam Fender, St Thomas, Brockhampton, FKA Twigs, Childish Gambino, Lana Del Rey, Lorde, Charli XCX, St Vincent, Wilco, Clipping, Best Coast, My Chemical Romance, Tears For Fears, Weezer, Cigarettes After Sex, Aretha Franklin, Lord Huron, Talking Heads, Elvis Presley, Macklemore & INXS.

    Here’s to 2020. Listening to different artists and learning along the way.


     

  • Top 10 of 2019.

    I’ve had an incredible year. To think that the Fyre Festival documentary came out this year means it really has been a wild ride. I didn’t have to resort to anything of the sort to make a deal with Evian but here are the ten best things that have happened to me in no real order.

    1. I quit my job.
    I hadn’t been happy with what I had been doing for a long time. The right thing came along and the last seven months have flown by. I feel appreciated and a part of something important where I’m working now and that’s not to be overlooked. If you are dreading the thought of getting up tomorrow and dragging yourself into work then now is the best time to start looking elsewhere.

    2. Spain.
    In January I went to Spain for five days and stayed with my friend Luke. He lives in a van now and has a life that is very different to mine. It was great to see him be so free and to experience hashtag vanlife for a spell.

    3. Costa Rica.
    In April, perfectly timed as I walked away from my job, I went to Costa Rica for three weeks. It was a last-minute booking based on where I could get to and from with the time I had. While there, I met up with a group of other travellers and we got to venture into the mountains, stay in a hut in the jungle and I got to try my hand at white-water rafting, canyoning and zip-lining. I met some amazing people that I’m hoping I will get to see again in 2020.

    4. Paris.
    In August, again on a whim, I got an overnight coach to Paris and spent two days wandering around and feeling very continental indeed. I got drunk in the Jardin du Luxembourg and made friends with an Australian girl who then saved my life.

    5. Iowa.
    In September, I flew to Iowa with my dear friends Darren and Laura, to be part of their continued wedding celebrations. I was welcomed like a member of family and had a wonderful time staying with Monica and Craig. It was close but the $250 cookie recipe nearly made the cut for this countdown.

    6. Copenhagen.
    In October, four of us went away for a long weekend by accident. We had an amazing time and I got to explore a city I had always had fanciful notions about.

    7. New York.
    My other BIG TRIP of the year. I got to live my best Holden Caulfield life in the city that never sleeps with Jaz as my tour guide. I ate my body weight in Dunkin’ Donuts and regret absolutely nothing.

    8. Writing.
    While I haven’t published anything this year, it’s been a strong year of progress. I have written three novels and abandoned a further two as well as constructing a stageplay which I’m hoping will see the light of day in 2020. The big thing was receiving a personal response from one of the top UK agents after submitting my novel, What We Want Most.

    9. Improv.
    Improv is always going to make the list. This year I’ve performed in six shows as part of the Laughter Academy showcases as well as others at other venues. I took on 12 hours of the Improvathon which was so much fun to be a part of. I started co-hosting Improv Jams with Robbie and this has renewed my passion for it. I’m hoping to host more in 2020. I also had a go at stand up again this year after not trusting my feet with it for so long.

    10. Improve.
    I’ve noticed a real difference in myself in the last year. I don’t know if it has come as a result of simply growing older but I certainly spend less of my time worrying about what other people think or “rolodexing” as I always called it, where my mind would flip through varying topics. It goes without saying that my mental health is in a better place than possibly ever before. I also recognise my abilities and limitations in a way I haven’t been able to before. I’m comfortable in my skin and better as a result of all of my experiences. Here’s to 2020.

  • Bowling With Toby

    This weekend I was allowed to take my eight-year-old godson, Toby, out for the day. He is a great kid but we had never had to survive one another’s company without the help of some proper adult supervision. Desperate to make him love me, I decided that I would let him have whatever he wanted. My wallet and my heart were open to him, and he soon realised it.

    The key thing I wanted to teach Toby, was that being the eldest sibling can sometimes be hard. I’m the eldest of three. He’s the eldest of three. He’s a voracious reader and a brilliant wit and a very creative swearer. This week I heard him call his dad a “bloomin’ stupid fuck”. He might be a secret genius, and I’m me. We have a lot of stuff in common.

    Jaz and I took him bowling, where he almost took us down in the first game. I bought him a Coke Zero and let him have some Pringles out of the machine in the hopes he would look after me in my old age.

    We had a second game and with just four points in it, I decided to do the noble thing and throw the game. I chucked my ball at the barriers (put up for him). The ball stopped halfway down the gutter. I then chucked a ball down the other gutter. It got stuck against the barrier. I had to tell the bored-looking man at the counter what I had done so he could roll his eyes and release said balls.
    I then treated Toby to lunch.

    He asked for a burger and chips and beans. He lined up all the sauces along the table and complained that it was taking too long for his food after eight minutes. He questioned why we would ever be vegetarian and what was in a vegetarian burger. He asked if we could go to the soft play centre on the other side of town. I told him that as long as he was happy to change my catheter when I was elderly then I would take him. He didn’t understand and agreed which I’m fairly sure is a verbal contract.

    He ate most of his food and then asked if we could go, even though I wasn’t done eating, and I would be damned before I left food.

    We went to the soft play. He insisted I go in with him to play Hide and Seek. I pretended not to have the best time in front of the other parents but gave my fair share of boots in the back to kids in the ball pit. I bought two Ribenas and some sweets. Then he asked how I felt about spending more money.
    I told him I didn’t feel great about it. I still had a week until payday and at some stage during that time I assumed I would need to buy some food.


    Instead we went for the park and raced around the climbing frames. I let him push me on the swing until he slipped underneath me and I nearly knocked him out in the process. Then I took him home.

    Despite the ketchup stain on the front of his shorts and the mixture of bark and puddle on the back of his shorts, he was relatively unharmed by a day out with Uncle Paul. That’s the best that any of us can hope for.

  • Iowa

    Three years ago, I was enduring work when the new American guy on our team, Darren, asked if I would go for a pint and talk about writing. I am always up for conversations about writing but I couldn’t work out what he actually wanted. I was suspicious of his motives. It turned out he was after a little guy I like to call friendship.

    A year and a half ago, Darren made me attend a Super Bowl weekend trip with him and his friends. I spent the whole time wondering why anyone cared about the Super Bowl if it wasn’t to watch Justin Timberlake perform the half time show. We got very drunk and played a lot of board games.

    He then started dating someone and told me I had to meet her. I could tell by the spark in his eyes that this was different and special and as soon as the three of us sat down over gin and tonics I realised that Darren and Laura had something special.

    Last year, when he told me he was going to ask her to marry him, I was so happy. I felt like I had been there since the beginning and it was the most natural thing for them to become husband and wife.

    Being the brilliant, bright and organised couple they are, it wasn’t long before invites were sent out. I was asked not just to attend their wedding in London but also the American leg of their wedding party. As a mutual friend of both of them, they asked if I would come to Iowa.

    Knowing that there was nothing I would enjoy more, and that I would never have a better reason to visit the Corn State, I told them I would be absolutely delighted.

    The three of us flew to Iowa together. I cannot put into words the incredible hospitality that I enjoyed while I was there. I stayed with Darren’s mum, Monica, and stepdad, Craig. They could not have been kinder to me. I felt not only like a friend, but that they saw me as family.

    Monica made fresh cookies from a secret recipe while Craig barbecued steak out on their deck.
    Monica poured litres of cold brew coffee to share with me while Craig loaded a cooler onto the bed of his truck to take out to the lake.
    Monica engaged me in deep and interesting conversations. Craig took me out tubing on the lake and made harsh turns so I flipped off into the water. I had the most incredible time and felt very free.

    I also spent more time with Darren and Laura than I ordinarily would. Aside from our Super Bowl weekends and their visit to Southend, our time together was limited to sneaking out of work for coffee and nights out. Unlimited access to their fun, intelligent, wonderful friendship was a gift in itself.

    I also got to see more of Darren’s brother, Carey, and his girlfriend, Sarah, who are so New York cool that I couldn’t help but talk too much in an effort to impress them.
    I spoke to Darren’s father, Dan, who is the reason Darren is as enchanting as he is.

    It was also a chance to get to know Laura’s parents, Peter and Jane.
    Peter spoke with such affection for their daughter that I couldn’t help but be drawn into their wonderful relationship.
    Jane joined me in bouts of binging on margaritas until we were giggling in the corner and drawing suspicious looks from her only daughter.

    I got to try a keg stand (and fell on my face) and mastered beer pong. I played basketball in their suburban driveway. I ate so well that I started working on a plan to refuse to leave their guest room until they learnt to love me. I fell asleep on the floor of the den. I played shuffleboard with Peter. I lost spectacularly at Harry Potter Dobble, but most of all, I got to witness the love between two of my friends and I felt very lucky the entire time.

  • TaskMaster

    On Wednesday I was lucky enough to visit Pinewood Studios with (my brother from another mother) Benjy to watch TaskMaster being filmed. He had managed to get tickets for both the afternoon and evening shows and having turned up the week before only to be told they oversold on tickets and he wouldn’t be going in, we thought we were prepared. We arrived an hour and a half before doors opened, joined the back of a queue in the heat, had a lovely full-body check and were then placed in the sun in a holding pen for a couple of hours.
    We decided to sunbathe and it was only a matter of time before my head and nose were glowing. We were then told we hadn’t made the cut and would have to be on our way.

    After a quick stop for a pint and some supplies, we were then first in the queue of cars for the evening showing, which also happened to be the series finale. When we were allowed in, Benjy had Lucky 13 and I was 14. We figured we were pretty safe with those numbers and sat people watching in the pen. It’s a strange mixture of people who turn up to watch TV being filmed, ourselves included. It was certainly an odd mix of people who looked like they didn’t know what to do now Jeremy Kyle had been cancelled.

    We were all made to turn off our phones and were then taken through the lot. Bond 25 is currently filming but I didn’t see anything besides signs that they were using real glass inside one of the studios we walked past. If there’s any glass in Bond 25 then I don’t think we can count that as a spoiler.

    We got taken into the studio which was a surreal moment of recognising something so well but not knowing what to do with that information. There were six rows on the studio floor before a fake wall and then tiered seats up to the back of the room. We were the back row of the studio floor, so should be identifiable when it is eventually aired.
    A warm up comedian came out and we all shouted our favourite moments from previous shows (“Tree Wizard”, “James Acaster’s hula hoop”, “Joe Wilkinson’s potato”).

    Greg Davies (possibly the tallest man on Earth) came out to rapturous applause and introduced Alex Horne. They then brought on the guests; David Baddiel, Ed Gamble, Jo Brand, Katy Wix and Rose Matafeo. The show runs to about 45 minutes (without ads) but we were there for over three hours as they hustled their way through comments that are definitely not suitable for TV and jibbed one another on their conduct during the tasks. I won’t say anything further because I promised Greg I wouldn’t spoil it but what a great line up and series this looks to be.

    I’ll have to wait and see if I made the cut, and if so, I can tick that little number off my bucket list.

  • My First Pride

    I’ve always thought Pride was important. Pride with a capital P but pride is also important. That’s why I felt very lucky yesterday when I got to take part in the London Pride parade alongside a number of my fabulous new work colleagues.

    It was such an incredible and moving experience and one I wanted to take the time to share. We all met up early. I had to travel up incognito because unfortunately we still live in a world where side-eye all the way up to actual homophobic attacks occur against people just because they are standing up for who they are, who they love or both. I met up with everyone at King’s Cross and we drank gin and tonics and covered one another in glitter.

    We joined the parade at Regent’s Park and impatiently waited our turn, dancing along to every truck that went by, music blasting from exposed speakers. I saw a lot of incredible costumes and many beautiful people enjoying themselves and being themselves. I danced to all the Madonna I heard and I proudly waved my flag, screaming along with the rest of London and having the best goddamn time. I can’t thank my friends enough for making me feel so loved and welcome.

    I cannot emphasise how important Pride is and will continue to be. In the year we commemorate the fiftieth anniversary of the Stonewall Riots it’s important to look at the amazing efforts that have been made towards equality but the bizarre amount more that needs to be done.
    I still saw people protesting. There remain countries where you can be fired for being gay. There remain countries where it is illegal to be gay. There remain countries where you can be killed for being gay. I march for all of those people, everyone that came before me that made this possible and anyone who will ever march. This is us.

  • Taking Time

    I’ve got into a terrible habit in recent years of stretching myself too thin. I can’t help but agree to things. I’m something of a yes man. What I found in Costa Rica was that I enjoyed not having anything too concrete in the way of plans, and not being at everyone’s beck and call because I was off the Internet and away from social media. I appreciate this is very much a “First World Problem” but what else am I ever likely to know?

    Since I’ve been back, I’ve taken more time to myself, and I have to say, I am really enjoying it. I had some plans for today but they cancelled. Usually I would then pick up on my second offer for plans. There is always something I am missing out on because I have agreed to do something else. My diary is booked out on a first come, first served basis.
    Instead of doing anything else today, I’ve made the decision to not get dressed, to eat as much leftover party food as I am able and to watch all four Shrek films.
    Sometimes it is good to just take the time to yourself.

  • Body Worlds

    Body Worlds

    For my birthday I was given tickets to the Body Worlds exhibit off Piccadilly Circus. It’s the travelling exhibition of turtleneck and Birkenstock-loving cadaver enthusiast, Dr Gunter von Hagens. The exhibition is spread over a number of floors high above the city and it made me weep. 

    When I was in school I had very little time for the formalities of education. I got by, (two A’s at GCSE thank you very much) but I didn’t appreciate how incredible it can be to learn about shit. Now, I get it, but I don’t have enough time.

    What an amazing thing the human body is. What wonder it is capable of. What tiny little miracles we are all performing every minute of every day. It made me love and appreciate my body for getting me this far, and also made me look at the damaged cartilage in my knee in a different way. They don’t allow photos inside, which is probably for the best, because I would have taken the piss, but I thoroughly recommend giving it the once over if you get the opportunity. The floors are split by different aspects/systems of the human body. It was the respiratory system that really got me. How wild it is, what is going on inside me all the bloody time and I act like a real jerk about it. My casual smoking habit really doesn’t align with my desire to treat my body like a temple and to eat nothing but mung beans and rice and spend eight days a week doing naked yoga. I really felt like I was letting the team down, and it’s a team of one.

    I also got taken for brunch, had lunch in Chinatown and bought gelato on the South Bank. What a wonderful place London can be if you’re not dragging yourself to and from it on a work day. Thanks Jaz for another lovely day out.

     

     

     

     

  • I love you man

    This week I lost a friend who has gone north of the wall. I’m actually very bloody annoyed about it.
    You reach a point in your life where you’re pretty sure you are done with collecting friends and that you’re therefore set for life. Then on a frozen day in March 2018 you end up stuck on a delayed train with a very tall man who appears to have absolutely everything in common with you.
    You go to the cinema.
    You go for brunch.
    You make wild plans to create great things.
    You support each other through all kinds of modern-life-is-rubbish shit and then they get the job of a lifetime and move to Leeds.

    Fortunately for me, the last time I got to see Lewis was a beautiful memory that I can carry with me until I get my shit together and go to visit him. We got to perform in an improvised comedy show together for the first time. He made me laugh and it would be fair to say that in the last few months he’s also made me cry a fair number of times – I’m still not over my birthday present.

    For now though, this isn’t goodbye, it’s just au revoir. I love you man.

    Photo by Film Free Photography.

  • London Aquarium

    London Aquarium

    The pressure was on. As Jaz had bought me tickets for Body Worlds for my birthday, I agreed to arrange the outing for our February adventure in London. I had thought about the Saatchi Gallery but when I looked at the exhibits there was nothing that really caught my eye and I figured I could come up with something better. I didn’t tell her where we were going, just that we had to be up early.

    We came out into the brilliant February sunshine (yes, I know it’s a weird sentence and a sign that Global Warming will kill us all) and we headed over the bridge towards the aquarium, the London Eye and Shrek’s Adventure. The area is a bit of a tourist trap, mostly because it’s walking through glue because of the number of rubbernecking tourists with pushchairs and prams there are along the South Bank. We ducked inside the Aquarium to collect our tickets and I was pleased to see that it wasn’t as hideously busy as I expected the death rattle of the Half Term holidays to provide. There was still time.

    Jaz and I have a mutual interest in the unknown, space and the sea are fascinating to us, as they should be to anyone. Last month when we were in Greenwich it was the Astrology Photography that really got our pulses racing. Similarly, I can sit and watch a fish tank like a fat tabby cat.

    The first room had stingrays and skate all flapping around like CGI extras in Aquaman. I sat on the floor and wondered what their agenda was. I was also struck by how extraordinarily cruel it is to keep something that is supposed to be free in a glass case. Then again, I work in an office in London. 

    The aquarium is designed with young families in mind. That wasn’t going to stop me taking the opportunity to crawl into the domed tanks or stroke a starfish. We were told to gently stroke one of the legs. I fought the hideous compulsion to give it the old death grip. It felt like a short-haired dog, but underwater, and red and not a dog at all. The other clue that the aquarium is set up to entertain little people is the position of the tanks. I kept banging my head as I stuck my big old face as close to the tanks as I could to try and befriend the seahorse army and make them do my evil bidding. Each time I would come up and nearly crack my head open on the faux-cave design.

    The best tank is the giant circular beast in the middle that you can get different views into as you work your way around. It’s in here that they have the sharks and a couple of giant turtles, upon whose backs the known universe sits. Again, you have to delete out the part of your brain that tells you they need more space than the enclosure to enjoy it but my god, those creatures are beautiful.

    I also have a lot of time for penguins. It always feels like they know something that we don’t. I think that thing is how to dress to impress. Those guys always look so fucking dapper. The last room was like the ambient chill out room in a club, except full of jellyfish. As children, my brothers and I would often spend our time in the sea on holiday worrying, probably unnecessarily, about jellyfish attacks. The drab, plastic-bag looking motherfuckers you see off the coast of Normandy are nothing on the spunky maniacs they have at the London Aquarium. I didn’t have to feel bad about the jellyfish because like musical theatre kids, they like bright lights and have no identifiable brain.

    After the aquarium we played Air Hockey, which Jaz not only beat me at but then gently gloated about, until I beat her at bowling. We wandered along the South Bank, visited Foyles where she bought me Lee Israel’s book and then we stopped for lunch at the BFI. I’m still thinking about their courgette fries today which is testament to how good vegetables can be if you just think about it for a minute.

    We got coffee and sat outside St Pauls, watching young siblings chasing each other up and down the steps, secretly hoping they would fall over. Then we crossed back over the river and found our way up to the viewing platform of the Tate Modern – the art isn’t to my taste but the wine certainly is. 

    It was another day to celebrate what London is best at – being a hub of activity and fun, a place where, as long as you can fund it, you can enjoy it.