Paul Schiernecker

Author: Paul

  • Never forget that my heart is a husk

    I don’t know if my view will ever change when it comes to the idea of me and marriage. It doesn’t change the fact that sometimes it’s awfully nice to be involved in someone else’s. On Saturday I got to enjoy the experience of seeing two of my good friends living it up in married bliss. I drank at least a bottle of red wine and I may even have shed some tears. Please do not forget that my heart will always be a husk.

    In an age when so much seems to be on the dead-set path to destruction, it’s lovely to experience something loving and uplifting and joyous. I am very happy for the pair of them and know that it is the most exciting future that either of them could ever imagine but it won’t change the fact that my heart is a husk.

  • TaskMaster

    On Wednesday I was lucky enough to visit Pinewood Studios with (my brother from another mother) Benjy to watch TaskMaster being filmed. He had managed to get tickets for both the afternoon and evening shows and having turned up the week before only to be told they oversold on tickets and he wouldn’t be going in, we thought we were prepared. We arrived an hour and a half before doors opened, joined the back of a queue in the heat, had a lovely full-body check and were then placed in the sun in a holding pen for a couple of hours.
    We decided to sunbathe and it was only a matter of time before my head and nose were glowing. We were then told we hadn’t made the cut and would have to be on our way.

    After a quick stop for a pint and some supplies, we were then first in the queue of cars for the evening showing, which also happened to be the series finale. When we were allowed in, Benjy had Lucky 13 and I was 14. We figured we were pretty safe with those numbers and sat people watching in the pen. It’s a strange mixture of people who turn up to watch TV being filmed, ourselves included. It was certainly an odd mix of people who looked like they didn’t know what to do now Jeremy Kyle had been cancelled.

    We were all made to turn off our phones and were then taken through the lot. Bond 25 is currently filming but I didn’t see anything besides signs that they were using real glass inside one of the studios we walked past. If there’s any glass in Bond 25 then I don’t think we can count that as a spoiler.

    We got taken into the studio which was a surreal moment of recognising something so well but not knowing what to do with that information. There were six rows on the studio floor before a fake wall and then tiered seats up to the back of the room. We were the back row of the studio floor, so should be identifiable when it is eventually aired.
    A warm up comedian came out and we all shouted our favourite moments from previous shows (“Tree Wizard”, “James Acaster’s hula hoop”, “Joe Wilkinson’s potato”).

    Greg Davies (possibly the tallest man on Earth) came out to rapturous applause and introduced Alex Horne. They then brought on the guests; David Baddiel, Ed Gamble, Jo Brand, Katy Wix and Rose Matafeo. The show runs to about 45 minutes (without ads) but we were there for over three hours as they hustled their way through comments that are definitely not suitable for TV and jibbed one another on their conduct during the tasks. I won’t say anything further because I promised Greg I wouldn’t spoil it but what a great line up and series this looks to be.

    I’ll have to wait and see if I made the cut, and if so, I can tick that little number off my bucket list.

  • CAMPNANOWRIMO – July 2019

    I have just completed my National Novel Writing Month project for July. It was touch and go on a number of occasions but I am proud to announce that the first draft of The Gift Shop is now complete. It’s one of the most personal stories I’ve ever written and, as tends to be the case, is about death and sex and drugs and time travel.

    I’m gonna go and drink beer until I pass out.

  • My First Pride

    I’ve always thought Pride was important. Pride with a capital P but pride is also important. That’s why I felt very lucky yesterday when I got to take part in the London Pride parade alongside a number of my fabulous new work colleagues.

    It was such an incredible and moving experience and one I wanted to take the time to share. We all met up early. I had to travel up incognito because unfortunately we still live in a world where side-eye all the way up to actual homophobic attacks occur against people just because they are standing up for who they are, who they love or both. I met up with everyone at King’s Cross and we drank gin and tonics and covered one another in glitter.

    We joined the parade at Regent’s Park and impatiently waited our turn, dancing along to every truck that went by, music blasting from exposed speakers. I saw a lot of incredible costumes and many beautiful people enjoying themselves and being themselves. I danced to all the Madonna I heard and I proudly waved my flag, screaming along with the rest of London and having the best goddamn time. I can’t thank my friends enough for making me feel so loved and welcome.

    I cannot emphasise how important Pride is and will continue to be. In the year we commemorate the fiftieth anniversary of the Stonewall Riots it’s important to look at the amazing efforts that have been made towards equality but the bizarre amount more that needs to be done.
    I still saw people protesting. There remain countries where you can be fired for being gay. There remain countries where it is illegal to be gay. There remain countries where you can be killed for being gay. I march for all of those people, everyone that came before me that made this possible and anyone who will ever march. This is us.

  • I’m No Superman

  • 35mm Costa Rica.

    This photo was from my first day in Costa Rica, where I wandered around San Jose, made friends with Joey from Denver, and read most of a book while sipping iced coffee high above street level.

    I was drunk. We were drunk. This was a real bonding experience for the five of us. Later, I would jump off the deck of that boat into the sea.

    An immensely hungover walk through the jungle with my new friends.

    Living at the foot of a volcano in a town called La Fortuna, because they were yet to be wiped out by molten-hot magma really went to our heads.

    This cemetery was something else. Keats and Yates are on your side.

    A moody sky over the coffee plantation. A humbling look at beans.

    The only way to get to our penultimate stay was by water taxi. I was all for it. So were the crocs.

    We hired bikes for the day and rode around Puerto Viejo like straight up gangsters. If you look closely, you’ll see my big pimpin’ mates coming round the bend.

  • Catching up

    A good friend of mine moved away two months ago to take up an amazing opportunity, the selfish bastard. It’s strange to realise just how much a friendship can come to mean to you in the space of a year.
    This weekend was the first time we were able to hang out since he moved away and it was just fantastic.
    I guess, as ever, my point is to appreciate the time that you have with people, because it will only ever be fleeting. That being said, there is no animosity present and I adore him. We caught up, which meant watching YouTube videos and saying ‘I love you’ a lot and then getting milkshakes and driving around in the dead of night. I am so proud of everything he has done and will just have to hold onto the time I do get to spend with him.

  • Taking Time

    I’ve got into a terrible habit in recent years of stretching myself too thin. I can’t help but agree to things. I’m something of a yes man. What I found in Costa Rica was that I enjoyed not having anything too concrete in the way of plans, and not being at everyone’s beck and call because I was off the Internet and away from social media. I appreciate this is very much a “First World Problem” but what else am I ever likely to know?

    Since I’ve been back, I’ve taken more time to myself, and I have to say, I am really enjoying it. I had some plans for today but they cancelled. Usually I would then pick up on my second offer for plans. There is always something I am missing out on because I have agreed to do something else. My diary is booked out on a first come, first served basis.
    Instead of doing anything else today, I’ve made the decision to not get dressed, to eat as much leftover party food as I am able and to watch all four Shrek films.
    Sometimes it is good to just take the time to yourself.

  • Costa Rica – week two

    My second week in Costa Rica has just meant more adventures. We visited a coffee co-operative where I learnt about the ridiculous amount of work that it takes for a cup of coffee to end up in front of me. Then I had a cup and saw into the future. The best goddamn coffee I’ve had in thirty years. We got picked up by tractor and taken out into the rainforest to spend two nights in a lodge. I got a nice break from the rest of the world, swam in the rivers and went out on bird-watching hikes. I wandered around with no shoes on, connecting to Mother Earth and getting all hippie and spiritual about things. We were given lessons in making empanadas and I watched rain pour as I sat inside with a good book.

    Back in the world, we visited Tortuguero, a town built on the edge of the river, only accessible by boat. We hired kayaks and found cayman living on the banks. I gave up and finally had to do some washing. We hiked up another mountain, looking out for jaguars and I tried eating termites – would recommend. I had too much to drink at extended happy hours and gave fashion a good kick in the teeth with my mismatching outfits. We moved over to Puerto Viejo on the Caribbean coast where I politely declined all offers of drugs and rode bikes out to the beach. Later, I got hammered on tequila and sang Mr Brightside at karaoke.

    Every day felt longer than any I had ever known. I was up before the sun but in time for the howler monkeys. We moved around and saw so much that it felt like the trip was never going to end. Then, before I knew what was happening, I had to get in a taxi at four in the morning to head home. I will never forget the things I saw, did, or most importantly ate while in Costa Rica. I met some lovely, funny, interesting and dynamic people and cannot wait for my next adventure.

    For now, I’ve got a lot of washing and some saving to do.

  • Costa Rica – week one

    I don’t know if I’ll be able to sum up what I have done and seen in the last week. It feels like I’ve been on the road for a lot longer than is possible. Every place I have visited has been beautiful in its own way, from the city of San Jose up into the mountains of Monte Verde and across the river to La Fortuna, a town named after surviving two volcano eruptions.

    I’ve met some incredible people and pushed myself to do things I never thought I would. I’ve been canyoning, zip lining, white water rafting. I’ve fed fish and monkeys. I jumped off the top deck of a boat while rum drunk. I have failed to adjust to the time difference. I have thrown myself into waterfalls, rivers and hot springs. I bought sun tan lotion with bronzer in it by accident. I’ve stumbled along with the few Spanish words I know and a little bit of charm. The food is absolutely insane. I’ve got peeling shoulders and sleepy eyes and dirty feet and I am very, very happy.