I have a problem.
No, not that one, I’ve got ointment for that.
I have a problem in that I place far too much pressure on myself and my ‘artistic endeavours’. I realise that’s a wanky term hence the speech marks. I’m stuck in a horrible loop where what I want to do is just slightly out of my grip. I can’t become a full time writer/musician/journo unless I put in an awful lot of time and work but the thought of needing to get it all done makes me rush and as a result the output is never as good as it could be.
Example: I keep recording songs. I don’t know what it will all come to but I keep recording songs. When I listen back to them they’re never as good as they are in my head and I rerecord them just to find the same result the following day. I wouldn’t put myself down as being a perfectionist (I mean look at me) but for some reason I just can’t get the sound in my head transcribed to recording. Basically I have about fifteen songs that aren’t quite ready to go. I think I need to borrow a pair of ears, mine aren’t cutting it anymore. I could just keep looping the same thing like Dante’s seventh circle of hell.
Meanwhile I have my novel to think about. I sent off to one agency who rejected it and now it’s in limbo. All it would take is for me to print off some more, and send them off but the pressure comes in and stops me even doing that. Basically I’m treading water in a massive way and I need a slap round the face to sort me out. I need a PA or a secretary to sit me down and tell me what I’m doing, in what order I’m doing it and when I need to stop, because I will run myself into the ground trying to get something right when it just needs to sit. I know today’s post is a massive soundboard, I just need to get it out of my head.
I need to write this down.
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