A strong word

I’ve felt a bit listless this week.
Struggling to focus. Lacking attention in things that I usually find pretty engaging. Lost in the doom scroll rather than sitting with big feelings.

The fact of the matter is that I always turn this stuff inwards. Make a habit of punishing myself, not being kind. The way I can talk about myself in terms I wouldn’t ever express to anyone I cared about.

I overthink and I analyse. I can be brutal in my treatment of Paul Schiernecker. It also doesn’t help that something has triggered what I’m pretty sure is undiagnosed OCD.

That’s why, this morning, I dragged myself up to the gym. Forcing myself through exercise in a way that doesn’t feel like it’s to make myself feel better but actually to punish and feel much, much worse.

Recognising that on the way home, I turned down the music and had a word with myself. It felt strong. I would compare it to Shia LeBeouf’s Just Do It but it’s hard to make any kind of comparison when the guy is going through his own shit right now.
It was a moment to recognise that I have to turn inwards with kindness, look after those fundamentals and wait it out.

Things feel pretty shit, but they won’t always.