The wonder of (metaphorically) shitting yourself.

Tonight I have a show. I have definitely been trying not to think about it, because the longer I go thinking about it, the worse I physically feel. In the run up to a performance I get ripped apart by stainless steel winged butterflies, I feel sick and I go and hide in the toilets.

People always worry that I’m going to bottle it, freak out or be too ill to perform but it’s never happened. I’ve always done the best I can and I’m always abuzz of excitement afterwards. The reason that I metaphorically shit myself is that I care. I want people to enjoy what I’m doing, I get so wrapped up in the thought of performing well that it virtually cripples me. This goes for Improvised comedy (which is what I’m doing tonight), playing guitar, singing, giving a speech, I have to fall to pieces in the closing hours to bring it back together.

I have complete faith in my abilities which is why I feel able to do this to myself. I know that I can crumble all I want but when I step onstage something else jumps in and takes over. I know that reads like incredibly fanciful bullshit but it’s the only way I can think to describe it. As soon as I’m
in front of lights and crowds I essentially black out and it all becomes automatic. I can never recall exact moments or specifics, I just do it.

I think that as soon as I stop getting torn up performing then I’ll stop, I always want to worry that I can’t do what I know I can.