I have massive issues with feeling powerless, I’m not sure if it is something that everyone suffers with but I’m sure it’s more than just me. I think the problem stems from being a child, it wasn’t adults who made me feel that way though, it was other children. Adults quickly cottoned on to the fact that I was a reasonably bright child and could be talked to as such, I’m sure there were the usual levels of condescension but I was too young to recognise or acknowledge those. The problem I had as a child was that I was physically weak, which is something that matters a lot when you’re a child, I’m not physically strong now by any means but I’m better than I was, and I’m mentally prepared for things I couldn’t comprehend or block as a child. I was always picked last for teams, or ridiculed for being thin but I didn’t classify it as bullying because it wasn’t about me being a different gender, race or creed which is all I knew of bullying. The power that is taken away from a child by being told that they are weak is pretty brutal, and a complex that I still deal with on a day to day basis. If I don’t get my way I consider that to be as the result of me not being seen as a man, or for seeming weak and that people can take from me without any reaction. Now it makes me angry, that’s the difference.
I’m currently in a position where a big decision could be made for me and I’m fuming about it because it’s not on my terms, I can’t even state what it is because it’s just a heavily circulated rumour at the moment but it could effectively fuck me over quite a bit.
So the important thing to remember is that when I get bent out of shape about things, it’s because they aren’t on my terms. Keep on that straight and narrow and we’ll be fine.