I had every intention of sending my novel off yesterday, I just about managed to get the synopsis done before I drifted off into a world of other things to avoid it. That included recording about eight new songs (as basic guitar and vocal tracks) so I can build on them later. The reason I haven’t sent the novel off yet is that I just don’t think it’s ready. This may be my fear of failure kicking it or it may be genuine. My worry is that this is the only chance Situation One will get to be told, if it hits a brick wall I will write something else, I’ll roll out of it but my story gets dropped and that would piss me off.

The amount of stuff that has gone on in my life while I was working on that book means that it is more than just a piece of writing to me now, although it descriptively covers a part of my own history the things I have gone through since, and as a result of it feel more important. For this not to be published would feel like not only was my University life being condemned (because that’s the period of my life the book is about) but everything I’ve done since, where it has got me, the friendships it has made, all come to nothing. I know that’s not the case but that’s the way it has built up in my head and it’s a very hard thing to shift. I don’t want this story to fail and I have to give it the best chance, I have to read through it again, and make sure it is the best telling it can be of what happened. I owe that to the friends who were there, whether they know about it or not, and I owe that to myself.

So here goes, 174 pages of A4 to read, and a synopsis to review.
Wish me luck.

Last night I finally got to see Shame, the 2011 film directed by Steve McQueen starring Michael Fassbender as Brandon, an outwardly successful thirty something struggling with an addiction to sex.

It’s an unusual topic for a film I suppose because it’s not something that people are wholly comfortable in accepting or discussing, it’s often seen as being an excuse to not commit to any one person or for acting like a complete bastard. The film leaves little to the imagination in terms of the physical act while simultaneously drawing little more out of the story than is necessary. The backstory of Brandon and his sister Sissy (portrayed brilliantly by Carey Mulligan) is never fully explored despite suggestions that it will be or possibly should be.

The film is beautiful, using long wide shots which can’t fail to impress, the amount of action coming in and out of these scenes is worth taking account of, the city of New York is the perfect backdrop to show just how lonely one man can be despite his varied encounters and success professionally.

If you aren’t opposed to strong use of the male genitalia as a story telling technique then it is definitely worth checking out.

Today marks the start of my two weeks down time from office work. I have set it upon myself to continue to work, because I am still trying to be who I can be, the game is afoot as Shakespeare famously wrote. The reason being that I am finally happy with my novel, I have spent the last year writing it, crying over it, and fine tuning it and it’s ready for the off. I’ve also taken the time to research a number of literary agents and publishers and have shortlisted a few who should be receiving my manuscript within the next week. These are exciting times for me. It’s the culmination of a dream I’ve had since childhood, to be a published author but it’s only in the last two years that I’ve realised it’s what I want to do completely, and that little else satisfies me in the way that sitting on my own in the dark, hammering away at the illuminated keys does.

Today I must write up the additional information that needs to go with the first three chapters for submission and then it should be all go on Monday. I can’t wait to hear back, even if it’s just a rejection, because that’s not what matters, it’s all a part of the progress and the process and I feel happy within and without. I am at peace.

Last week I mentioned how Jason Schwartzman had a similar appeal to me as that of James Franco so I thought it only fair he had his turn in the spotlight.

I guess I first saw Franco as Harry Osborn in Spiderman but it was when somebody lent me a copy of the biopic about James Dean in which he stars as the lead that I first started to become interested in his abilities as an actor. Not to say Spiderman isn’t great, or that his performance wasn’t but its a hard thing to get anything serious from, and he was a bit mopey. I was going through a massive James Dean phase at the time and the fact there was somebody living who had played him took on a whole new meaning (like when I saw Toyah Wilcox as Peter Pan in panto).

From then on I looked out for Franco and have thoroughly enjoyed his recent bout with Hollywood biggies like Rise Of The Planet Of The Apes and 127 Hours. You have to take it back to his appearance in Apatow’s cult TV series Freaks & Geeks to see where it all started though, and to see why his relationship with Rogen in Pineapple Express seems so spot on.

Another thing about Franco is the strings to his bow, he’s not only an actor but also a writer (with one published collection of short stories Palo Alto to his name, a scholar, a dancer, a filmmaker… That’s something that inspires me a great deal, someone who could sit back and accept that he’s a big screen star but goes out for that challenge, continues with his education, keeps pushing his abilities and what his fortunate position has made him able to afford. What a guy!

I apologise in advance that this is going to be a boring blog post, I’m not even going to blast it over the usual mediums, I just need to process something and this is the first way I thought of doing it, I might as well have scrawled it on a bit of paper.

I’ve been considering turning this into an actual website, rather than it just serving as a blog. The plan is to have one place, one website where I can share my blog, music, videos and stories with you, at the moment I don’t know what I’d call it because WooWooCoolBastards is a bit too heavy handed to serve as a title. I’d like to think that the comments I get directly through WordPress and on Twitter and Facebook would continue to grow, along with my views, which have risen with each passing month since I started the blog in February.

I find it quite infuriating having to jump back and forth through different social networks trying to drum up interest and hope in time people will sign up to receive notification of any additional posts by email and then I’ll stop berating everyone all the time to pay me attention.

Apologies again, I’ll be funny or something tomorrow.

Last night I went to see my friends perform as Los Desperados, a comedy group specialising in sketches and improvised comedy. Having worked with all of them at one stage or another as part of the Improv group I attend I know how talented they all are, how funny they can be, and exactly the kind of atmosphere you want from an audience in order to achieve what you’re setting out to do; to entertain. Unfortunately this wasn’t a possibility last night because a group of people insisted on trying to jar their every attempt by heckling. The fun part about attending an Improvised comedy gig is that as an audience you are given the chance to join in, to add ‘gifts’ for the performers, the tools that they then use to perform a scene but that is where the interaction ends.

I have a massive issue with heckling and hecklers, I struggle to work out the purpose behind it is. It doesn’t seem to add anything, it detracts from what is going on onstage, and in time it gets to the ‘players’. I can only assume it is an attention-seeking method, maybe the fact that someone else is in the spotlight is too much for these people, that maybe they can’t stand the thought that they could have been a star, that they could have been somebody. If they took the time to turn their oh so clever heckles into something worthwhile or constructive then maybe they would hold some merit, but the fact of the matter is they were like an airhorn during a golf match.

Luckily my consummate pals were able to turn it around in the second half of their show, they took the time to show that they meant business, and eventually were able to get on with their show but from talking to them afterwards I realised that it had got a lot deeper than they would make it seem onstage, it wasn’t that they were hurt by individual comments, it was that the show’s impact had been lessened by pissed up wankers who for some unknown reason can’t keep their mouths shut for two hours. That’s what bothered them, the fact that their hard work might have got lost before it reached the audience, at least somebody was bothered about that.

I am not a religious man.
A po-faced sow; who’s advances I had recently spurred, once told me that one of the things she hated about me was that I had no faith. I don’t think there has to be any link between the two. Obviously you have to have a lot of faith and belief in order to ignore the science that has disproved most hard-backed religious but it is not irrevocably intertwined.

As an example, this weekend I have had my faith tested for the first time in a while and I wanted to share it with you. The problem started when I picked up my recently purchased copy of  the Writers & Artists’ Yearbook 2012. The book acts as a guide for writers and artists looking to get published, it provides general advice as well as a directory for publishers and literary agents in the UK and overseas. It was recommended to me by a school friend who recently had her first novel; Found, published.

The issue that the yearbook has given me is that for the first time I am taking stock of exactly how hard it is to get a book published. I know it’s something that has been niggling away at the back of my head but this weekend it has very much come to the forefront, ruined my appetite and sent me to bed early. I’ve woken today and gone for a run, and it has instantly made it a lot better. I’ve realised that if I have any doubts then it is because my novel isn’t ready yet, that I need to read it again, as a completed work, before I send it off. On my run I also drafted the cover letter and synopsis for my novel in my head and feel ready to take it on today.

My advice would be; sleep on any decision, nothing is certain, you can afford the time, and you have the faith.