What a weird experience. This weekend I visited Window To The Womb (henceforth abbreviated to W2TW), a 3D baby scanning centre of excellence. I don’t know. Before you worry that I’ve somehow become the living embodiment of Schwarzenegger’s character in Junior, I can confirm that I do not have a bun in the oven.
The first thing I should probably announce is that I’m going to be an uncle. My brother and his fiance are expecting a tiny little baby which is due in February. It’s due two days after my birthday which is just typical of him, trying to show me up when I’m trying to make everything about me.
The first thing to note about W2TW is that it is full of kids and expectant parents and family and then me. I didn’t think that I would care in any real way, shape or form but it was actually quite moving. They give you the standard ultrasound business but they’re then able to triangulate the… something… I don’t know. I’m not a scientist. They’re then able to show you in 3D on a screen what the baby looks like. It looks a bit like a sepia Voldemort obviously but ahhhhh, it was right nice. It’s given me the feelies.
I don’t know if I ever want a kid. I’m too selfish. My brother’s fiance has a little boy who I get along with really well because he’s fucking hilarious. He can be so naughty. He was laying on his front on the floor, screaming and punching stuff. He had to be subdued with a sausage roll and sent outside. There was a bit of me that thought why haven’t I got a sausage roll? Why aren’t I kicking off? I’ve been here for twenty minutes and nobody has asked about my hernia.
There were all these parents-to-be having to put up with him throwing his temper around the waiting room and they’re thinking “fuck, this is what we have let ourselves in for.”
I have to admit, when that screen showed me a tiny version of the future I thought of the creepy baby in space from 2001: A Space Odyssey and then I brought myself back into the room and a tiny bit of emotion collected at the corner of my eye in the form of a tear and I brushed it away before anyone could think I was not a robot.