My brother surprised us all by popping the big question today. It had nothing to do with the Hadron Collidor. In fact, he asked his girlfriend to marry him. I have a strange relationship with my brother. We have completely different tastes in a lot of things but I love him more than anyone else in the world including Benedict Cumberbatch.
As his older brother I felt it was important I put together some advice for him. I am not married. It’s a punishment for shoplifting in some countries. I have been to weddings and lived for two years, three months and seven days longer than him so I know what I’m about son. Here is my advice:
1. She is always right.
2. Weddings are apparently quite expensive and quite hard to organise. I am therefore willing to offer my services not just as a superstar DJ but I will also spellcheck your speech absolutely free of charge.
3. Don’t skimp on food because I will judge you.
4. If I’m not your best man I accept your decision but insist on assisting in writing the speech in an advisory capacity. Again, this speech can be spellchecked by me free of charge.
5. Don’t wear brown.
6. If you want to keep the headcount down, have the wedding somewhere exotic. I recommend Tibet, Kiev or Bangalore.
7. Let Harry be the ring bearer. He can drive up the aisle in his new BMW. It’ll be brilliant.
8. Don’t let people throw rice because if a bird eats it then it expands in their stomach and they blow up. This sounds quite cool in theory but you don’t want seagull guts on your nice tweed drainpipes.
9. Chocolate fountains, photo booths, karaoke, public hangings and pick n mix stalls are great at weddings.
10. The best weddings have free bars. Cut costs elsewhere by picking up a dress from Oxfam.