I feel shit.
I went out last night with my little buddies, and ended up sobbing in a bar in Shoreditch but that’s another story for another time.
I woke up to find that I had post. Unfortunately ‘post’ doesn’t excite me in the way it did ten years ago, there was a time when I loved getting post, it was always something good. I believe Arcade Fire covered this feeling in their song We Used To Wait. Today my post was my Reading ticket for next Saturday and a message to say that I had to collect a parcel from the Post Office because the full postage costs of it hadn’t been met. I wondered what it could possibly be, and who would be so stingy as to not cover the cost of sending it.
In a state that I would describe as less than rosy I managed to drag myself into the shower, get dressed and head out of the house. By the way it’s too hot out, don’t do anything today, just stay indoors, shut the curtains or something, it’s not a practical kind of heat. Anyway I got to the post office, handed over one pound eighty and then realised that the cheap bastard who didn’t cover the cost of sending that package was me. It was the self-addressed envelope I sent off to a literary agent two weeks ago.
This hasn’t helped me feel any better. I’ve accepted that I’m probably going to be receiving rejection letters for the next couple of weeks as they slowly filter back through my front door, that’s not what bothers me, it’s the way I’ve built it up in my head. At the end of the day my novel is a piece of work that I gave up a lot for, not just time but everything else, I got completely lost in it, and it consumed me, to the point that when I finished it I didn’t really know what to do. I think I cried a bit. This post is full of tales of me crying. Anyway, that’s what bothers me, that I actually tried, for the first time in a long time I committed to something work-wise and it isn’t having the payoff I have built it up to have, but that’s my drama and in time I’ll deal with it.
In a related note I would appreciate it if people stopped telling me about ways I could get it self published, I am well aware of these avenues, but I want to try and get it published via an agent and publisher if possible first, so while I appreciate any help or input anyone may have, just shhh.