Category: Other

Last night I gave my first public reading of part of my book of short stories.
To say I was nervous would be an understatement.
I get nervous about any kind of performance, in fact I said to Sadie who was co-co-hosting the night that if I wasn’t nervous before I performed I would worry.
So I did my Eminem in 8 Mile bit, ironically a reference used in the very story I decided to read from, and then I sat and listened to brilliant people perform poignant and delicate and beautiful and poetic and perfectly comedically timed and balanced readings and performances and started to lose my Glastonbury tan. I hate the person I become before I have to get up and do anything, I always try and bargain my way out of it, usually to Kate.
Fortunately she told me to stop being a baby, and that I would love it once I was up, and I really did.

It was such a cool thing to be asked to be a part of, and I truly felt the love in the room. Everyone was very nice, and I sold four copies of my book, and met some cool people and I would love to do it again. Going home was somewhat sobering, and work today was even more so, but it’s just a little step, and one I’m very proud of, and I thank Sarah & Sadie & Jo & Ray for putting the night on, and whoever thought of me for thinking of me, and the receptive audience and that’s enough of my nonsense, watch it:

I just wanted to take the time to thank everyone who has bought or downloaded my first book, Where Did All The Money Go?
I finally got my filthy little paws on some download stats this morning. There were over 170 downloads in the UK alone, a further 50+ in Amerikey, and then various pockets of sales across Europe. That’s on top of the 80 physical units sold.
I’m not much of a businessman and I would never choose to be, however, I call that a rip-roaring success.
You can tell I’m not much of a businessman because I’m making 6% of each physical sale.

I have made very definite plans for the money though, and I wanted to take the time to tell you where all your money went.
I’m in the process of redrafting my second novel (Visions Of Violet). Once completed, I plan to send it out to agents and publishers across the land in the hope of snaring the elusive deal my first novel didn’t quite manage to cop. I’m going to use your money to pay for the printing, packaging and posting of those copies to agents and publishers. Your purchase has become an investment and I thank you for it.
Once I’m done redrafting Visions, I will be redrafting my first novel Situation One. I plan on self publishing that little guy as no agent would touch it. It’s essentially the novel WDATMG spawned from and it is very good. There are more adventures from Michael, Oliver, Eli and Ross, but in the redraft I am hoping to rope in all the new characters added to the short stories. I believe a number of you have a soft spot for Madcat now.
I’ve checked up on him, he’s doing fine and Lucas has informed me there is another story to be gleaned from their relationship. So I guess it makes sense to follow the publication of S1 with another book of short stories, which I have already started drafting in my head while running.
I’ve also re-opened the case file on my three-part fantasy series, Coppypock, and am planning on writing a Palin-on-acid type book on the Sahara later this year.
Basically, I’m running myself into the ground between this, improv, gigs etc. so I’m going to take a week off.
My week off will be a couple of days in Amsterdam with my favourite, followed by Glastonbury 2013. I’m stockpiling material right now, and I can’t wait to share it.

Thanks again.
Peace & love.
Be safe.

This week my book is free to download for Kindle. 

I don’t care if you have a Kindle, you have some way of downloading it and reading it, whether it’s on your iPhone, iPad, generic smart phone that wants to be an iPhone, or just on a computer. Even if you just download it so I get off your back about it, download it now, here.

At the moment it is sitting pretty in the Top 20 free Kindle books in the Humour category. 
This is what I have been working towards for the last couple of years, or to be cliche about it all, what I’ve been working towards all my life. The blood and sweat and tears inherent in this book is something I am immensely proud of, and any success it gains is as a result of the incredible people who believe in me. I don’t know what I would do without each and every one of you. 
Please keep pushing it. Keep spreading the word. Good things can happen if you work hard enough. 

This morning I am in pain. I noticed it when I tried to sit up in bed. It was as though there was something jarring the movement in the upper half of my body. The reason being I spent yesterday doing a hard day’s graft.

If you know me at all, you’ll know I am not one for physical work, it not being my vocation nor something I was built towards. I have more physically in common with the tools themselves. This was different.
I spent yesterday at Little Havens children’s hospice digging up their grounds and allotment patch. You may remember I did this last year. The sense of a job well done was so good I had to offer my services up again.

Little Havens offer care and support for children with life limiting illnesses and their families. As far as charity beginning at home, this is probably as close as I can get as the complex is based just a ten minute drive away.

I know there is no selfless good deed, and in taking time away from work I not only got to spend the day out of the office and away from the computer screen but am also filled with a sense of achievement so great it feels as if I was paid for my labours. What I have taken away from working at Little Havens is that there are a lot braver people than me, a lot more caring people than me and that there is always something anyone can do to help.

I just wanted to let you all know that I have checked the statistics page for my book this morning and discovered I have sold fifty copies. That’s fifty actual copies of something I wrote. I can’t get over how awesome this is. 

I wanted to take the time to thank everyone who has bought it so far, and sent me pictures of their copies, and asked me how it’s going and everything else.

I’m living some kind of surreal dream existence. I didn’t think I would ever get to a point where people were actually reading something I had written. I honestly appreciate every single one of you for taking the time and spending the money on something I have made. 

I love you all.

I’m one of those terrible people who just constantly goes on about the thing that they’re doing. I’m going to be wanky and call it ‘being an artist’.

The problem is, everyone is doing something, and it’s very hard to get your voice heard. That’s why this morning I’ve conducted myself in a way I would usually hang, draw and quarter anyone else for by just spamming everything with links to my book’s page on Amazon. It’s here by the way. 
Now I’ve told as many people as I think I can tell without getting really creepy about it I am left with the terrible lonely sensation of job completion. It’s an unusual thing, especially for me because I’m a sucker for never seeing anything through to a conclusion. There are so many things I leave up in the air that it feels strange to sit here knowing my product is complete and live and purchasable (for the very reasonable price of £4.99). 

The thing is I’ve wanted to get Where Did All The Money Go finished so I could allow myself to get lost in another project, I think it’s just a bit too soon, like having my heart broken. I have so many other ideas, and I can’t wait to step away from the dick and fart jokes I imposed upon myself with WDATMG and Situation 1. The two most immediate projects are redrafting Visions Of Violet, the book I wrote for NaNoWriMo last November and finishing the comedy show I’m co-writing. Those are the top two, and then everything else falls in under that. 

I can’t imagine a life where I don’t constantly have something to be getting on with, it’s how I choose to function and I’m very happy in that. 

Today is my baby brother’s 21st birthday. 
It’s really strange to think of him as an adult. I don’t know if I ever will truly be able to grasp it. He certainly doesn’t act like it a lot of the time. When I think about how we were when we were little, and how much I doted on him and how much he adored me in return, I’m saddened by the way things have to change but spending time with him, and my other brother, and their friends last night just shows that things changing is not necessarily a bad thing. We all have our own things going on, but when thrown together everything we have shared in the last two decades is inherent in it, it sits between us and it’s a fantastic thing to be a part of.

I feel very lucky to get along with my siblings. I know far too many people who for a number of different reasons don’t have that same relationship. There really is nothing like a brother. 

I am shattered. I just walked a mile to catch the train to London.
I am going to watch the marathon today, and I am obviously being satirical, although I did have to pace it because I spent far too long lost in my own reflection this morning.
Two very good friends are running today and I’m off to offer my own brand of enthusiastic support.
I’m reminded of when one of them, L, asked me, two other friends and his brother in law, to come with him to the site of a skydive he was doing for the same charity he is running for today, Little Havens. We mercilessly bullied him for two hours, and his parting words were “just fuck off”. If he had died it would have made a fitting epitaph.

As it turns out, both L and my other friend D are running for Little Havens. I wonder if they have met, I wonder if they have worked each other out yet. I wonder if they know they both know me. I assume so.
Little Havens is a great charity. I did some work with them last summer, and wish I could do more. I always wish I could do more. For those who don’t know, they offer a hospice service for terminally ill children and an incredible support network for the families involved. Just describing it that far forms a lump in my throat.

I had every intention of being with them today, although I did have vague hopes of running as well. I applied for a place last October but didn’t make the cut. In hindsight it could be a blessing because to date the furthest I have run is six miles, maybe I’ll be in a better state by next April. I know I’ll apply again later this year.
There is also the issue of splitting my charity donations. This year I am trekking across the Sahara and raising money for The Prince’s Trust. People are reluctant enough to donate money they would otherwise be wasting to one worthwhile cause, let alone two. Next year I’ll have another crack at the marathon thing, and support a different charity. It’s hard to focus on any one when there is so much hardship.

In terms of today though I am already so proud of L and D. They both applied under the assumption I would get a place and we could train and support one another. I’m there to support them, and to show them I am a man of my word. Far too many people I know have flaked today. TAW and I will be there though, screaming and waving like a right pair of cotton-headed ninny muggins.

I went with L to register for the marathon on Thursday evening when I finished work. Registration was held at the Excel centre (“BACK ON THE DLR!” as I like to scream to the tune of Back In The USSR). There was a real buzz to the place as proper athletes sauntered about with the kind of prowess only superheroes should be able to exhibit when dressed solely in Lycra. There were stalls for specialist clothing, stalls for specialist dietary requirements, stalls for supplements, stalls for footwear. We stood about like a couple of comfy airsoles!

As soon as registration was complete and we got outside, L asked me if I fancied a beer. I wondered ever so briefly if he should be drinking three days before the marathon. As soon as we got inside he asked the barmaid if they had a cigarette machine. He thinks he is the Sid Vicious of the marathon. I just don’t want him to become a statistic.

I hope I get a good look at them today, and I hope they’ve vaseline’d every square inch of their bodies, and they should know everyone is supporting them.
It’ll be like the end of Return Of The Jedi when Obi Wan, Yoda and Anakin/Darth are stood grinning at Luke.
I’m talking Guinness Obi Wan and Shaw Anakin, I’m not buying all this CGI booster pack addition. Leave it be Lucas, leave it be.

Good luck today guys, and to everyone else taking part, and may the force be with you!